just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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