I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
