we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Someone signed my nipple.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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