I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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