so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
