So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize