Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
