In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
