I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
