He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
