I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
