so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
