They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
