weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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