'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
