You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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