I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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