A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
