What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize