I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
