All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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