If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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