I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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