took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
