Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
