Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
