I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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