K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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