Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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