I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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