i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I deserve this hangover.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
