I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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