I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
