Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
