She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
