Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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