I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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