in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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