Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
