My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize