I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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