I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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