im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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