saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
