I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
