Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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