Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
