He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize