That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
