Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
