my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
