seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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