I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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