dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize