I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
