I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
