okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
