I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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