i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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