I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
