Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
