i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize